A couple different things are on my mind.

1st- just got back from New York where I visited my brother.  Yay!

2nd- didn't take a job offer

3rd- still need to find a job

4th- found out someone who has frustrated me greatly for way too long is off on his newest adventure and enjoying the Baja peninsula, which shouldn't bother me... but it does

I guess that's more than a couple things.  Honestly though, I have WAY more stuff than that running through my head, but I need to focus.  And, those are in the top five or six.

New York was great!  I saw pretty much all the stuff a person is supposed to see while in NY- the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, the Empire State Building, Central Park, the Metropolitan Museum of Art (which reminded me of my artistic longings), and more.  Of course, I also got to spend time with my brother   wa hoo!

Brooklyn wasn't what I pictured.  It was better.  I don't know what I pictured exactly, but it was quieter, greener, and friendlier than I thought.  Jonathan's apartment was also bigger than I pictured, but the elevator going up to it was smaller.  I now understand why they were unable to get their couch up to their room and had to junk it.  Sorry, Bro Bro.

~

I observed a doctor in White Plains, New York for most of the day last Monday.  He was looking for a second associate, was a cash practice, and did an upper cervical technique that I respect.  He also had EMR, digital x-ray, was willing to pay his associate over 20k MORE per year than the average Wisconsin associate makes, and had a good location in a nice place.  Why would I be crazy enough to turn down a job offer from this place, you might ask?!  Many reasons.

My brother is right about this, however, most of my reasons are merely opinion/unimportant.  But, there was one problem I could not 'get over.'  Fraud.  Yeah.  I'm not all about that.  I'm sure that this doctor's conscience is clean in regards to that matter, but I can only call it the way I see it.  And, even if he never gets caught, I can't be a part of it.

On the plus side, I got experience in a fast-paced office, confidence just from making myself do something outside my comfort zone, and figured out some more things I definitely DON'T want.

I couldn't help but think about how saying no to the job offer was silly in the world's eyes, as was re-inforced by the doctor when I called him the next day to turn him down.  I won't get into how or what he said exactly, but let's just say it wasn't as professional as he should have been and reminded me of a child lashing out at someone who had just hurt their feelings.  It was odd considering how much he prided himself on not taking things personally and having them just be "business."  Then again, maybe that is how he does business and I am the one taking things personally.  Oh well.  It doesn't matter now.

~

What matters now is that I still don't have a job. 

So, I'm actively trusting and seeking God's will.  I said no to something.  I can't wait to see what God will have me say yes to!                                     -That's in my stronger moments. 

In my weaker moments, I think how difficult life may be for me since I am not willing to do things the "easy way."  I think about the possibility that God doesn't want me to be successful in the way the world views success and how draining it can be to keep doing the right thing without seeing/reaping earthly benefit.  It's selfish and horrible, I know.  I don't want to get all wrapped up in earthly things, but it seems difficult for me not to now that I owe A LOT of money and am not seeing how that can be paid back in a timely or responsible manner.

I know God didn't bring me to this place in my life just to abandon me now.  ...I know it...

~

I guess this is connected to my last thought in the way that those who do what's right seem to get hosed and those who go about life in a care-free way are off on some beach in Mexico not caring about how much money they owe and how soon it has to be paid off.  Why does it work that way?  I know sin has pleasure in its season, but it seems like Winter in Wisconsin- will it ever end?! 

Year after year I watch people who cheat on exams get the best grades, people who mention their business once on a vacation write the whole thing off on their taxes, people who sleep around claim happiness in that lifestyle, people who pretend to be kind or generous take advantage of others to get what they want and somehow still manage to maintain their image... the list goes on, but I'm tired (finally!) and don't care to continue.

Lord, please do not let me grow weary in doing good!  I know, I will reap a harvest eventually. (a little reminder from Galatians)  *sigh

As I said, that's all I care to write for now. 

So, the question has run through my head more than a few times ove the past few years.  Do I really not know what I want, or am I just too afraid of being disappointed so I don't ask God for my true heart's desire?

I'm not sure.

If I am afraid, why?  It doesn't make sense.  I understand it's scary letting one's self be truly vulnerable bla bla bla.  I get it.  Check.  Got that one covered, intellectually.  Emotionally, I'm not sure if I'm there yet.  Hope so, but it's hard to say for sure.

Does this make any sense?  Arrg.

I think it's all related to some beliefs/ideals that have been pounded into me since childhood.  We deserve nothing.  God, by and through His grace, saved us.  We didn't deserve it, but He gave us life.  Awesome.  Seriously.  It's awe inspiring.  So, has this concept carried through my life so that I've told myself I don't deserve to be happy?

Hm.  Well, maybe that statement is still a good one.  We don't deserve to be happy, but I don't think it's wrong for us to want to be happy.  Have I lived my life thinking it's not okay to even desire happiness?

I think I have.

Dang it.  I want to be happy.  God loves us.  Don't parents delight at the sight of their children's smiles or the sound of their joyful laughter?!  To truly love someone is to want what is best for them.  Not only that, but their joy is your joy.  Their pain is your pain.  Doesn't it make sense that God actually wants us to be happy?  I mean, not the sort of temporary enjoyment that comes from sin which comes with heart-wrenching consequences- separation from our Holy Father.  I'm talking about true happiness.  True joy. 

Perhaps I've also rejected the idea because of my desire to go against popular culture.  I usually cringe when I hear someone say "... because I deserve it," or "... because I'm worth it," or similar sorts of prideful statements.  See that's the thing about sin, it's frequently twisted in with one of God's truths so it sounds plausible.  Of course, it also feeds our sinful nature, so we want to believe it. 

So, I think I've reached the conclusion that I have been punishing myself for way too long.  I'm sure all of you out there reading this had this all figured out years ago or maybe you just never struggled with this.  But, I'm sharing it with you now.  See.  I can be open, honest... vulnerable.  Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy!  Right?

Lol.  Well, once again, it's late- just like it usually is when I get in writing mode.  So, I should go brush my teeth and get to bed.

peace, love, and happiness to you all